Savner du liker gal...

13. october 2013 at 20:53
Horrible dreams of fear and awful crimes continue. I wake up with knot in my stomach and question in my shattered mind: "Why did I do that? Am I really able to do something like that? Could I be evil inside?"
Time passes me by and I don't care. I just want to dream all day. When I'm at home I trying to read or write, but I always end up scrolling at tumblr or listening some music and doing nothing but drinking tea. I can act almost normally when M. takes me out, but that is always just for a few hours and I can't drink and smoke and play billiard all the time...
Last time we spent all night in "Mýdlo", an old filthy pub, where I drank too much distasteful wine and talk too much to some completely-stranger-guy who seems to listen... He even seemed to understand, and then I realized he really understood me. And that's how I found my best-gay-friend Zed. It was quite a shock.

"Well, it seems like we're the same," said he with sad smile and gave me a hug. I hug him back and tried to hold back my tears. It was hard.
"You should tell her everything."
"I will," said I.

I want to tell you everything.
I think I understood it, but I didn't, not really. And I don't think I really understand it now, but that's just in my head anyway. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean it's not real, right?
I was afraid I'm acting selfishly, like a child, running towards something without thinking of consequences.
Well, it seems it's not so selfish in the end. And I guess I just can't do anything with a plan or with setting thins first - I just have to do what I want and what I think is right. Always without thinking, just like that. Always like that.This is the only way to not regret and spare myself of sentence: "I should have done that."

I can't believe it's only a week. It's only ONE WEEK and it's already feel like eternity...How I am supposed to carry on next 8 months?
(And I can't believe you make me said cliché like that...)

[ And now I am happy, because I'm going to... that's a secret. :) ]

med kjærlighet, kanel Raven



[ sorry, too lazy to translate this one :p ]

med kjærlighet, kanel Raven
 

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Comments

1 Eleanor Eleanor | Web | 13. october 2013 at 22:14 | React

Kyllä, rakas, koska se on ikuisuus. Perkele ikuisuus...
Huomenna, kaneli maailman! :)

2 Tvíďátko Tvíďátko | Web | 18. october 2013 at 17:27 | React

Chtěla bych se umět chovat více sebestředně. Teda já to umím (přiznejme si to :D) ALE! myslím v takových těch rozhodnutích, kdy je prostě lepší do něčeho vpálit po hlavě. Umím se chovat nahodile jen v naprosto nedůležitých a život moc neovlivňujících věcech (leda v tom, že mě to zabije, ale to nepočítám :D Můj život vůbec neberu v potaz co se bere život vs. smrt, ale beztak to na mě jedno na stará kolena přijde), ale kdybych měla změnit něco zásadnějšího bydlení/práci/zemi, tak vždycky dojdu do stavu, kdy mi naprosto vybuchuje hlava ze všech těch černých scénářů, kdy se nic nepovede. Možná sjem prostě mohla ve zkratce napsat, že ti tuhle vlastnost závidím a že se vůbec nemusí brát jako špatná - tvoje plus, ostatních mínus. Lidi nejsou stromy :)

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