October 2013

Sammen i drømmene mine

29. october 2013 at 22:54
Try to imagine 13-years-old Raven while somebody telling her something like this: "At your 20th birthday, you will be in a kitchen with your mother, baking mini-pizzas together, while laughing and dancing and falsely sing a songs from ABBA like crazy drunken Vikings, and you will be happy. Oh, and you will be blond, by the way."

Sounds unbelievable? - Definitely does.
Could that be true? - Oh, common, there's no way in hell it could be true. But better believe that, because it is true.
[ And I really hope you don't think I'm crazy (or more-crazy than I normally am, at least) right now. ]

"Missed you tonight."

You are in my dreams.
According to story, there's three of ancient gods which can reincarnate: Phoenix, the Red one. Time Lord, the Gold one. Queen of deep blue sea, the Silver one.
Our mission is to find them and free them. So we meet again and again, every night we're fighting together, running away together and dying together while we're trying to discover the secrets of those gods. And then we discovered different secrets.
You're holding my hand while I leaf through a book of my own past. So that's it. Now it makes a sense.
We found them. We found our lost goddess. The Red one was already death. And I was the Gold one, and you were the Silver one.
It's sad we always die in those dreams, but I'm happy I can hold you in my arms until our last moment. And then, we're back where we started. Again and again, till the morning.

med kjærlighet, kanel Raven

P.S.: No, there is no translation of this one - it takes time and time is what I need to write something else, like the stories that some of you want, so... ;)

Jeg elsker livet mitt

22. october 2013 at 23:14
Really, guys, where is the time-machine when you need it? I want to rewind and have Sunday forever - or better - I want go forward to Christmas and then to February and it's going to be like "happily-ever-after" life. So, ehm, yea...
It just fell like everything is okay when I am with her. And when I think of her it makes me so happy that it's almost incredible. We're doing really crazy things for each other, and we're not afraid of these "normal" things like living together, or coexistence anymore. It's strange, but it seems like she's really the person I can be with without fear. And I really hope I'm the same kind of person for her.

Mum: "Where were you all day?"
me: "I went to a little trip..."
Mum: "To where?"
me. "Well, to Ostrava...again, ehm."
Mum: "What, again? You want to go there every fucking weekend or what?"
me: "Well, no - every other week, maybe."
Dad: "Hey, wouldn't be easier if that guy could move to your place?"
me: "Weeeell..."
Dad: "Oh. I knew this would happen."
Mum. "What?"
Dad + me: "Nooothing."
[ monday true-story ]

Okay, now something different than my lovey-dovey sighs. Today was my first class of Norwegian language and...well. Well... I would really like to say it wasn't so bad but I am really, really horrible with correct pronunciation. On the other hand, my vocabulary is not so bad and I could understand almost everything when we read some article about Oslo, but I just don't know how to answer the questions, or how to translate some sentences correctly.
Yea, I'm 10 lessons behind others, but who cares? I'm in intermediate-level class right now, and I have to catch up soon, or it will be death-end.
But my lector said that Norwegian is much easier than for example Finnish, so I hope I'll be able to handle it.

But still, I have a felling everything is so great right now it couldn't be better - only with her by my side.

Takk til deg, jeg elsker livet mitt.

med kjærlighet, kanel Raven

Og hvem er den lure?

18. october 2013 at 22:05
We have the same (bad?) habit of promising unrealistic things when we're drunk, min kjære and I. Now it seems I'm going to travel to Norway somewhere in February. And it's all M's fault! She started the idea. And she was thinking about Island in first place, and that was just crazy - even for me.

"Hey, do you want to go for a work to the Island for few months with me?"

Then she told me she's thinking about dropping the school and going work aboard. And she is afraid to go on her own. And who is the biggest idiot which cannot say "no" to such an offer? Of course it's me!
Well, actually I said "maybe yes" when she exchanged Island for Norway. When she started about Norway, chills run down my spine. She noticed that and from that moment were her arguments just bulletproof.
I have to admit it's the best way I can learn the language properly + earn some money for living (since I cannot find any part-time-job here) and if I could go back just for the entrance exams to Masaryk university - it would be just perfect.

According to my last article there is nothing to hesitate about - just keep doing what I feel I wanna do and don't think about aftermath, in other words just pack my rucksack and go to Norway for a two months or so, but... well, let's say I'm not so sure about this at the moment (and I don't like this state of mind, but there's something cute about it).

"How're you doing? Any interesting person in your space?"
"Actually, yes, there is one."
"That's great! Oh, I envy you..."
"Yeah, but I'm scared. What if I'm gonna fuck everything up like I always do?"
"Well, that suck, it happens to me, too."
"And what you do about it then?"
"Usually, I fucked it up," said Nikol with sad smile.
[today, Last Cafe]

med kjærlighet, kanel Raven

Savner du liker gal...

13. october 2013 at 20:53
Horrible dreams of fear and awful crimes continue. I wake up with knot in my stomach and question in my shattered mind: "Why did I do that? Am I really able to do something like that? Could I be evil inside?"
Time passes me by and I don't care. I just want to dream all day. When I'm at home I trying to read or write, but I always end up scrolling at tumblr or listening some music and doing nothing but drinking tea. I can act almost normally when M. takes me out, but that is always just for a few hours and I can't drink and smoke and play billiard all the time...
Last time we spent all night in "Mýdlo", an old filthy pub, where I drank too much distasteful wine and talk too much to some completely-stranger-guy who seems to listen... He even seemed to understand, and then I realized he really understood me. And that's how I found my best-gay-friend Zed. It was quite a shock.

"Well, it seems like we're the same," said he with sad smile and gave me a hug. I hug him back and tried to hold back my tears. It was hard.
"You should tell her everything."
"I will," said I.

I want to tell you everything.
I think I understood it, but I didn't, not really. And I don't think I really understand it now, but that's just in my head anyway. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean it's not real, right?
I was afraid I'm acting selfishly, like a child, running towards something without thinking of consequences.
Well, it seems it's not so selfish in the end. And I guess I just can't do anything with a plan or with setting thins first - I just have to do what I want and what I think is right. Always without thinking, just like that. Always like that.This is the only way to not regret and spare myself of sentence: "I should have done that."

I can't believe it's only a week. It's only ONE WEEK and it's already feel like eternity...How I am supposed to carry on next 8 months?
(And I can't believe you make me said cliché like that...)

[ And now I am happy, because I'm going to... that's a secret. :) ]

med kjærlighet, kanel Raven

Øynene dine er så blå

6. october 2013 at 21:28

I think this weekend was one of the most special ones. And it has nothing to do with my new home.

Cinnamon was everywhere and sun was shining, candle-lights fade with the morning. I held her hand through the night. She is the first person who has fingers colder than me. Sunny morning was full of cinnamon.
We wanted to stay in bed for all day.

"We can stay in bed all summer."
"OK... Oh, men, OK!"
[Like crazy]
It was warm afternoon and battle in fallen leaves.
Entwined fingers, few warm tears and long way home.
God, I want to go back.

What remains are cinnamon secret, one promise and those feelings that fill my room. My bed is too large.

Dine øjne er så blå
men bare jeg ku' forstå
hvad det er du ser i mig
og hvorfor jeg elsker dig
men uanset hvor svært det bliver
er der ingen andre piger
og jeg ku' aldrig finde på at gå
når dine øjne er så blå
[ Jon Nørgaard (Den): Dine øjne ]

med kjærlighet, kanel Raven

Ancient gods, part I

2. october 2013 at 19:48
A strange thing happened to me on a "Health and Wellbeing festival". I was checking my cell-phone, trying to delete few numbers (/people) I didn't use/know/whatever anymore. And somehow, accidentally, I deleted her number.
I stared at my phone for a 1 minute. I was in shock. And it wasn't panic like "WTF - what an idiot! What now? What should I do?!" ; I was shocked because I didn't feel any pain. No pain, no sadness, anything like that.
I was completely calm, as if nothing happened.
And then I understood. I am free.
I am no longer her weight - for many years, I guess - and now she is no longer my weight. And I put my phone back to my bag and said: "Goodbye, Christina."

And now, the story! It's such a mix of fantasy with lots of symbols, bit mythological, and - of course - main characters are cute girls [not right now] which are… (and guess what will happen to them).